


Mirror discoveries, sprinkled with tears and declarations of endearment

by lichtertanz



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood adores him anyway, Love Confessions, M/M, Magnus Bane has an Existential Crisis, Pining, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lichtertanz/pseuds/lichtertanz
Summary: ''It is inevitable." Magnus pouts, throwing a very disapproving glare at himself. "The end is near."
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 43
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

"Are you still in there?" Impatiently Alec knocks the third time, hearing a dramatic sigh of his roommate. Although he is already in a hurry the biochemist can't help but chuckle.

With a squeaking noise the wooden door of the bathroom slowly opens and Alec finds Magnus exasperated starring at his reflection on the mirror.

''It is inevitable." Magnus pouts, throwing a very disapproving glare at himself. "The end is near."

"Aren't you a ray of sunshine today..." Alec comments dryly while reaching for his toothbrush. Not immediately getting an tit-for-tat response he asks more seriously: "Where does this doomsday mood come from?"

"Look!" The archeology student points out to the strand of hair on his forehead.

"What?" Confused Alec tilts his head and tries to find out what has Magnus made so upset this morning.

"Ugh! Don't you see???"

For once Alec allows himself to examine his roommate's face more closely. Under normal circumstances he avoids to let his gaze linger. At least since his little sister's profound interrogation about "Alexander Gideon Lightwood's hearty eyes all over the place'' in the present of a certain someone. 

He has even come up with a solid counting system to remind himself not to get lost. One. Two. Three. Not a second longer until he force himself to look away again (Well if he has to repeat this at frequent intervals ... nobody is perfect). 

"You are..." Alec searches nervously for the right words which are not treacherous.

"Oh even you morning grouch cannot be THAT blind..." Magnus grabs Alec's hand and guides it to the single hair before he orders: "Pull it out!"

As his heartbeat shots through the roof due to the sudden touch the biochemist has a hard time to concentrate but finally he realizes the audacity which has made Magnus so perturbed. "I will definitely not! Let them be."

"Alexander as my dearest roommate..."

"I am your only roommate!"

"This does not change the fact th...wait wait wait...what do you mean be them? Are there more???" 

Alec would have laughed if it wasn't for the panicked look on Magnus' face while he frantically bends his head in all direction. He still remembers how he discovered the first almost not recognizable grey wisps some months ago, wondering if he would be lucky enough to be in Magnus life until they are both old and wrinkly .

"This is a disaster."

"Come on, it is hardly visible." Alec tries to reassure his friend. "Besides you can pull off any look, no matter what color."

Magnus is clearly not convinced and continues to shoot vicious glances at himself. "No pyramids are going to be erected to honor my name.”

Now Alec is unable to suppress a snort. Somehow this is a very Magnus thing to say. "And this is a problem because?"

"Forget it."

"Magnus! Are you really angry that you are not being worshipped as an Egyptian pharaoh?" The biochemist tries to follow the bewildered train of thoughts. 

"No." He grumbles and Alec can't help but conclude that a tiny part of Magnus might actually like the idea of being an all powerful ancient king. And now that he thinks about it, he can clearly see him gracefully sitting on a golden throne, ruling an empire just like that. 

Before Alec gets lost in a daydream of one thousand and one nights he gives his friend a gentle squeeze. "You know you can talk to me, right?" 

For a few moments of silence he is afraid that Magnus won't share whatever is actually on his mind.

“It's just...if I ever finish my PhD and get that damn tenure position ... my name will probably end up on some annoying papers grad students have to read ... but what else? My life has become a boring excuse of an existence...."

Many words come into Alec's mind when he thinks about Magnus. But boring has never been one of them. Also he has never heard Magnus talking about his research without any excitement and now he really begins to worry that he has missed something. 

But how? 

Alec frowns and tries not to show how ridiculous the previous statement sounds to him "You are everything but boring." 

"I should have signed up for that cryonics program. Maybe I have better luck in the department of love in 400 years."

"Cryonics?! We talked about that!" The biochemist gasps. "There is zero evidence that resurrection is possible. Greedy companies are just making money with desperate..." Before Alec embarks on a lecture why this method of freezing a human body at -320.8 °F is absolutely stupid and a disgrace for any real scientist he suddenly becomes aware what Magnus also said. 

"So this is about your love life?" 

His question is met with profound silence again. Until his phone suddenly rings. Shit. It is already half past nine. He quickly picks up, telling his colleague Lydia that he is on his way and she should already start with the new test series. 

"Off you go, Mr. Nobel." Magnus gives him a teasing wink. "Make some world changing discoveries."

But Alec isn't ready to leave just yet. Not with the lingering sadness in his roomates' demeanour. "I will as soon as you tell me what's on your mind." 

"But your experiment..."

"Is in the best hands. So?" 

Magnus exhales sharply and begins to fiddle with his bathrobe belt. He shouldn't have started such a ridiculous self-pity party at this goddamn hour but knowing his roommate he won't get out of it. "I have bumped into Zoe last weekend."

"Your high school sweetheart?" Alec suddenly feels anxious. This is not some random stranger but Magnus' first love. 

The PhD student nods. "She has just moved back here. I swear it was just like back then. We instantly connected and spent hours talking and laughing. And you should see her dance... To be honest I haven't felt that happy since a long time."

A rush of emotions overcomes Alec. Jealousy hits him, but first and foremost unexpected guilt is making his heart ache. How the hell did he miss that Magnus hasn't been in a good place for a while now?

"As stupid as it may sound I thought it might be a sign." Magnus's words stop him from hectically browsing through his memories. 

"A sign for what?" 

"You know I am always up for some scandalous romance." The smile does not really reach his eyes. "But recently ...I don't know... It feels like I am being stuck in an endless circle of promising flings which end up nowhere. And I am tired of it...you probably think this is ridiculous."

Alec frowns again: "Not at all. Why would you say that?"

"You are just so comfortable on your own. You never sit around mopping because you are not in a relationship. I admire how you always find things to enjoy without waiting for Mr. Right to show up on your doorstep."

"Right..." The biochemist tenses. The observation is not wrong per se but Magnus is mistaken in one tiny matter. It has not always been that way. But he cannot tell Magnus the reason behind this change. Because then he would need to admit that he has never felt the need to search for someone again, since living with Magnus has literally become Alec's happy place. So onwards with the deflection: "You were talking about a sign..."

"Don't laugh at me but suddenly everything seemed to make sense. Maybe all my last flings were just not meant to be because I am destined to be with her again. After all the only reason why we separated was because we didn't want to have a long distance relationship with her studying in San Francisco and me staying in New York City. We even made this crazy promise, that we would marry each other and move to Singapore, if we were still single by thirty."

"Singapore...?" Alec can't help himself but begins to estimate the flight hours between the East Coast and the Asian island. 

Magnus shakes his head. "Long story... anyway since I am literally only weeks away from being thirty I couldn't help myself and I asked if our deal is still on. 

"What did she say?" 

"She smiled and told me that she would marry me instantly if she wouldn't be already engaged." 

For a moment Alec feels relieved that Magnus is not planing his wedding right now but then he pushes his own emotions besides. "Well that's...I am sorry." 

"That's not the worst part..." His roommate mumbles. "I ran into her sister yesterday and it turns out that Zoe has never been engaged. She isn't even in a relationship..."

"What?" 

"Obviously she lied...I mean I know I can be a exaggerating from time to time and I am messy and spend too much money on things I don't really need...but why? Why am I not even considered good enough for a backup-plan?" 

Alec is completely overwhelmed by how heartbroken Magnus looks and he does not know what to say without sounding like a cliché.

"Of course. No need to answer that." With teary eyes Magnus suddenly moves away from the mirror and rushes out of the room.

"Wait!" Alec curses his loss of words and hurries outside as well. "I didn't mean..."

"Forget it." Furiously the student pushes the door to his room open. He pulls up the large leather bag from beneath the bed and randomly begins to throw in some clothes.

"What are you doing?" 

"What does it look like?" 

"Please." Pleadingly Alec positions himself between the wardrobe and bed. "I don't know..."

"What!?" Magnus hisses and does not dignify him with a glance. "How to tell me that you have enough of my ridiculous self as well?"

"That is not what I..."

"Don't worry Alexander! I can read between the lines." He presses one last stack of shirts into the bag and swings it over his shoulders. 

Helplessly Alec stares how Magnus reaches for his car keys and panic spreads through his body: "You can't just leave like that!" 

"Watch me!" His roommate stomps towards the door when he hears an almost angry roar.

"I don't know how it is not to love you."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well you asked for Magnus' reaction....

And then HE just ran out!” Magnus furiously paces up and down. “That is absolutely unacceptable. You cannot declare that you love somebody and then excuse yourself because you are late for work! What kind of fuckery is that?”

“M…”

“Also why the hell now? And for how long has he hoarded that feeling for me? Of course, he would not tell me that before fleeing the crime scene. “

“Ma…”

“And the worst thing Alexander exactly knows that he can get away with this bullshit because he is the only person on this damn planet, I can’t stay mad at for longer than ten seconds. But who am I to blame, when he presses every button with his ridiculous bambi eyes? Also what am I suppo..”

“MAGNUS!” Catarina has enough and finally sushes him up, after listening to his agitated voice for the last ten minutes. Afraid that her friend is shortly before hyperventilating she pulls him towards the couch. “Sit down and don’t forget to breath, honey.”

“How can..?”

“I said: Sit down! I will make us some hot chocolate and then we will continue this conversation.” She turns into the kitchen and picks Magnus’ favorite Italian brand which almost tastes like sweet pudding. Preparing two cups and adding extra cream on top she steadies herself for what undoubtedly will be a hell of a ride.

As she enters the living room again her oldest friends is cuddled into the blanket and looks suspiciously calm. Oh no. 

“Cat…I am so stupid!” Magnus shakes his head incredulously and she braces herself for the next revelation. “He clearly didn’t mean it.”

“What? I don’t think Alec would say something like that just for fun.”

“Of course not. I simply misunderstood. He loves me. As a friend. “ Magnus leans back into the couch and takes a long sip of his chocolate. “The last days have been exhausting and my bloody brain is not working properly. I mean come on…there hasn’t been a tiny bit of a sign that he feels anything for me. ”

Visibly relaxed now Magnus laughs and waits for Cat to join him.

She stays silent and suddenly finds the mug in front of her very interesting.

“Right?" Her oldest friend tries again. "Catarina?"


	3. Chapter 3

As Catarina continues to remain silent Magnus becomes distressed again: “Right???”

“Well…” She begins carefully, unsure if she should really intervene. But since Alec already spilled the beans Catarina continues: “If you look closely…”

“I live with him. Don't you think I would have noticed?” He interrupts her stubbornly and almost repeats like a mantra. "There are no signs."

“Magnus. You are one of my dearest friends, but even I would not get up at two in the morning to hunt your favorite ice cream from some shabby store”.

The student frowns. How does she even know?

“To be precise I would tell you to fuck off.”

“He said the same.” Magnus protests, still remembering how long it took him to wake Alec up, only to be greeted by a thrown pillow after his roommate realized that their definition of emergency was very different that moment.

“And then?”

“Fine…I might have convinced him to go with me. But he was grumpy all the way to the deli and back and he swore like a sailor on that IG live..."

Oh that's probably why she knows. Maybe Alec is right and he should reduce his time on social media before personal information gets into the wrong hands.

Taking another sip of his chocolate he quickly adds: "This happened only once, so what does this really say about us?"

Catarina raises her eyebrows: “So no late ice cream crisis anymore. And why is that?”

“Duh we always have some at home.” Magnus smirks. "See told ya..."

“And you buy it?”

“What?”

Catarina snorts, observing his confused face. The summer before university they shared a small apartment and she knows many qualities of Magnus as a roommate. Always up for some kind of adventure, considerate and the unbashful ability to make even the most eerie environment cosy. But thoughtful food-gathering in advance is definitely not his strong suit.

Still seeing his puzzlement she can't help: “Do you think it just magically appears in your freezer?”

Okay, so maybe Alexander takes excellent care of his sweet cravings. Friends do that, Catarina has always his favorite hot chocolate at home. Quod erat demonstrandum.

“If this is all you got ..." Magnus exhales and leans back into the couch. "Then your burden of proof is rather insufficient."

“He hates Halloween.”

Magnus suddenly looks like his favorite puppy has just been abducted by Cruella de Vil. “TAKE. THAT. BACK!”

“It is true. Or at least it...”

"Seriously what the hell is wrong with all of you today?" Magnus has had enough. There is only so much a man can take at this bloody hour. "Alexander might not love it as much as I do, but you have been at our parties. They are out of this world. And don't even get me started on our costumes. Do you know how much preparation it takes to come up with something brillant every year? How much time we spend on decoration and food? Like the ghost pizza or the eyeball bowl? And he always finds a new recipe to impress our guests and even me. Actually he just showed me his latest idea of a Graveyar...nope, why I am even bothering to tell you..."

“Sweetheart..." Cat looks directly at Magnus and gently grabs his wrists. "Nobody dresses up as a stuffy topiary bush, unless it is for their significant other, Mr. Edward Scissorhands." 

For a moment her friend is taken down the memory lane and a fond smile almost finds its way to light up his grouchy face. Until he realizes. "But that was our first Halloween together, right after I moved in with him. This would mean..." 

Magnus shakes his pounding head, not knowing what to think anymore. 

"It was also the first time I met Isabelle and when she saw ...or rather not saw Alec in that ugly green obstrosity she couldn't believe her eyes. She told me right then and there that Alec had always wholeheartedly despised Halloween. Until you came along." 

"He never told me..." Magnus swallows after a heavy moment of silence and Catarina puts her arm around his shoulder. This can change everything. She wonders about Magnus feelings and is equally concerned about Alec who has guarded his heart for such a long time. 

"Now that you know...what are you going to do?" 


	4. Chapter 4

"Alec? What the hell are you still doing here?" Lydia is surprised to find her colleague in front of the electron spin resonance spectrometer like four hours ago. 

"Me? I thought you are already on the plane to Hawaii." The biochemists deflects, only looking up for a second before he focuses again on the results of his last test. 

"John and I are on the way to the airport." She explains, while opening the upper drawer of her desk and pulls out her Samsung Galaxy. "Just forgot this." 

"Oh." Suppressing a yawn he mumbles. "Now that would have been a disaster. Just imagine visiting one of the most beautiful places on Earth and not bringing this voluntary hand cuff with you..."

His colleague smacks him slightly. She has always been fascinated by the fact how fond Alec is of the newest research tech gimmicks, but still keeps up his weird aversion against mobile phones.

Not wanting to delve into this subject now Lydia gets back to the far more pressing observation: "I know you were late this morning, but you never stay that long." 

"I have been working on this very importa..."

Immediately Lydia interrupts him. "Don't give me that. You could hardly focus the whole day, so I ask you again: what is going on?"

"You are going to miss your flight, if you continue with this futile interrogation. And then I will never hear the end of it. That's what's going on."

As if on cue Lydia's husband shows up grinning on the door steps of the laboratory: "You are damn right, Lightwood!" 

Alec jumps from his chair and instantly regrets how long he must have been sitting there. Ignoring the tenseness in his body he quickly shakes the hand of the new visitor. "John, good to see you man!" 

"You too." The guy returns his smile. "We should check out the new sushi place in East Village, when Lydia and I are back from our travels." 

"That sounds reasonable." Alec chuckles and also tries to disregard his stomach sending him another fire message about being neglected for too long. Instead he makes Lydia and John promise not to get roasted during their visit of the Kilauea volcano. 

"Very well. Since you are not telling me what's bothering you..." Lydia makes a dramatic pause and Alec knows this voice. It is the same when she applies for research funding and leaves no room for negotiations why the lab needs this budget and not something ridiculous lower. 

"We need to catch our plane to Hawaii but you are leaving as well. Go home, Alec." 

"Fine." Her colleague sighs and puts the notebook in his brown leather bag. "Now off you go. You Turteltäubchen." 

"What did you just call us?" John is always amused how his wife wraps other people around her fingers. 

"Oh I bet he is just bragging with his German skills again." Lydia smirks and already threateningly moves her hand towards the light switch, while Alec has hardly time to grab his jacket. 

After saying goodbye the biochemist decides to walk home, not even trying to convince himself that this is merely because he sat in the lab all day long without moving very much.

He is also not questioning why he couldn't keep his mouth shut this morning after basically hiding his feeling since the first moment Magnus answered his "roommate wanted" - ad with a comparative analysis on living arrangements in Ancient Rome and postmodern New York City.

Alec knows that the clumsy early hour revelation was not about him but for Magnus to heal some of his heartbreak.

He had to try.

With every step closer to the apartment he can't help but wonder if he has destroyed more than he can ever make up again.

Because one thing was very clear: The shell-shocked look expression of Magnus as he for once remained completely speechless said more than enough. They are not on the same page, in fact Alec thinks they are not even in the same story. 

Unrequited love is a pain in the ass. 

When he reaches their apartment building shortly before midnight and sees that the lights are still on, his escape reflex shoots through the roof. 

There goes the ridiculous hope that Magnus would have magically forgotten his weird love confession and already be hitting the club scene of New York City. 

Alec fumbles for his keys and before he manages to turn them around the black apartment door is fitfully teared open. 

"Jeez..." His pulse races even faster than before and for a second he almost forgets why he was nervous to come home in the first place. Then two things hit him at the same time. 

Atypically for a Friday night Magnus is still dressed in his leisure suit and stares at him with very undeciphered look on his face. 

And then Alec smells Masala Curry, his favorite comfort food, from the kitchen. 

Well fuck.


	5. Chapter 5

"Alexander." Magnus slowly opens his mouth and he looks equally relieved and upset at the same time.

"Hey..." His roommate stands like rooted on the spot and shows not the slightest indication to move inside.

The adorable sight of Alec's trademark frown usually makes Magnus chuckle and come up with some juicy remark to make him smile again. 

Suddenly the habit seems not appropriate any more.

The student also tries really hard not to blurt out the countless questions which have tortured him since morning. Like why Alec has never mentioned once how he feels or if this has been really going on since the first months of living together. 

How he never batted an eyelid when Magnus brought somebody home. 

Not very eloquently Magnus points out the obvious instead: "I have cooked."

Somehow it is still enough to break the spell. Alec nods and sneaks inside. The awkward silence hangs over them again like an eagle ready to attack its prey for making the wrong move. 

Normally the biochemist would have cursed about the inability of his boss to lead the research lab or gushed over Lydia's communication skills before even getting out of his black leather jacket. 

Now nothing. Until both voices abruptly overlap: "I am sorry." "I need to apologize." 

"What?"

"Why?"

"Look how about we just forget the whole thing?" Alec pleads and Magnus is tempted to give in because his roommate looks utterly remorseful. 

"Alec..." Magnus remembers his conversation with Catarina and her most nagging question which has made his head spin for hours. He can't find the rights words to express what he feels and how to do it without hurting his best friend. 

"I know you don't lo...like me like I do. No need to pretend." Alec shrugs nonchalantly with his shoulders. "It's okay." 

It is not.

And it does not make it better that Alec tries to console him, when it should be the other way round.

As the silence stretches again his roommate sighs: "If it makes you too uncomfortable I can move out." 

"What?" Magnus is too flabbergasted to actually articulate how ridiculous the idea sounds to him. He has always known that Alec tends to put others before himself but seeing the extent right now makes him wanna punch something.

"If anyone would search for a new living place, it would be me. This is your home." He emphasizes much more calmer than he feels inside. Within a day his life has turned upside down, where nothing seems certain anymore.

Searching for a decent flat in New York was like a strenuous descent into the worst realms of hell. Magnus saw things which no human being on Earth should ever see. But if you would ask him now: finding Alexander as roommate has been all worth it.

Alec does not reply instantly. Instead he internally struggles with the question if he would want to live here without Magnus. Every inch of the apartment is intervened with him. Old-fashioned polaroids, left research notes spread throughout almost every room. Home is where the heart is they say, even if it is decorated with the ugly ceramic monstrosity his best friend calls a postmodern art sculpture masterpiece. 

"But..." Alecs begins and halters again. He said enough today. No need to dwell on his feelings and pressure Magnus into something he does not want. 

His roommate hates to see Alec literally closing himself off and he wants to reach out and pull him back. This is what Magnus is usually good at. He has developed a fine-tuned three-steps strategy over the years: Give him space, indulge him with ice cream from the Italian shop around the corner, and if he is still on the edge and not revealing what's bothering him, then Magnus will go full force and literally knead the tension away. Once Isabelle even mentioned that nobody can bring her brother back down to earth like Magnus, when his mind spirals. 

Damn, Catarina is right. He must have been an idiot for not even considering that there is more. 

Magnus wonders if he still can just touch Alec without sending the wrong signals. So he tries with words first: "It has been a long day. And this is unchartered territory for both of us. But I think it is way too early to even think about moving out."

"I am really sorry for messing everything up." Alec whispers sadly like he is mentally already packing. 

Okay. Enough is enough. Magnus closes the distance between them and pulls Alec into a hug. As usual for the first seconds his best friend tenses even more and until now Magnus has always wondered if he does not like to be touched by him - despite Alec's claim that this is not true. 

"Please never apologize for how you feel." Magnus gently begins to stroke his back and feels the frantic breathing calm down just a little bit. He almost misses it because Alec mumbles it so quietly into his neck. 

"I don't want to loose you." 

"I don't want to loose you either." The student repeats softly and does not want to let him go just yet from the embrace. 

"But what now?" Alec frowns a little helpless. There are so many possibilities how their living arrangement will be awkward from now on and their friendship will crush under the revelation of his feelings. 

"When was the last time you ate something today?" Magnus asks.

"Not really hungry." The biochemist's replies is accompanied by his treacherously growling stomach which leaves his roommate to chuckle.

"Come on. Let's have dinner. One step at a time." 

**Author's Note:**

> Well this started with the one sentence in my head...


End file.
